Blog: New for Dummies 30/05/14

New for Dummies 30/05/14

  • 30th May 14
  • No Comments

Correspondence between George Dubya Bush and Tony Blair from the Iraq war will not be published; this is less to do with the fact they broke the Geneva Convention™ and more to do with the fact they couldn’t find anyone willing to check G-Dub’s spelling in the edit.

Ok. Ok… rich coming from me (re: my spelling, not my reckless disregard of the Geneva Convention™)

OMG Stop the press!! Kate and William went whisky tasting, they put whisky in their mouths tasted it, made a face, then offered an opinion. World news mother fuckers, cutting edge journalism here at the N4D headquarters. Tune in next week for more media misadventures of our mischievous monarchists, like riding a tandem bicycle and feeding a bottle of milk to an orphaned lamb.

When Rolph Harassment’s daughter found out he had been canoodling without consent she demolished his doodles; I hope when she shattered his sketches into smithereens she looked down the lens of a camera and said “Can you guess what it was yet!?”

Today’s alliteration is sponsored by Marijuana.

Tesco has made a deal to be the biggest supermarket chain in China; they wanted Walmart so they could launch a ‘Great Walmart of China’ campaign but that would have been a £400m pun. Instead they settled for the wordier ‘Big Touble In every Little helps China’ slogan.

Brad Pitt was punched in the face at an LA movie premiere by a prankster who jumped the railings and charged at him; but in a mind blowing reveal at the end of the event it transpired Brad Pitt was actually punching himself in the face.

The dude who plays Billy Elliott has split up from his wife who was previously engaged to Marilyn Manson; I fucking love it that Marilyn Manson and Billy Elliott are Custard Cousins™

Brits are spending £10billion a year on drugs and prostitution. I imagine pimps and drug dealers don’t fill in tax returns, so I don’t know how they found out this statistic. Maybe they got the figure from the politicians’ expenses. All I know is if Brits are illegally going to spend this money anyway, why don’t we legalise, tax and control it and put the money back into education and healthcare? Not a joke, simply a valid point.

Have a happy weekend!