Blog: News for Dummies 02/06/14

News for Dummies 02/06/14

  • 1st Jun 14
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A car crash at a Rally wiped out spectators killing 3 onlookers; the driver of the vehicle was said to be in bits over the accident, not in as many bits as the poor fuckers he took out at 100mph. A witness said it was like a bowling ball hitting pins (lucky someone was at hand to provide analogies.)

Kids as young as 6 feature in police stop and search figures; the police deserve a medal of bravery for delving into the pockets of 6 year olds, one officer found a child concealing a half chewed custard cream, a crisp packet full of dog poo and a dead bird.

Rally tragedy analogy guy says: “Searching a 6 year old is like doing a bush-tucker trial”

Lilly Allen has claimed she would go gay for Beyoncé, Jay-Z responded by saying he wouldn’t go gay for Lilly Allen.

Rally tragedy analogy guys says: “Lilly Allen going gay for Beyoncé is like is like Stephen Hawking saying he’d take up football if he could play for Real Madrid”

Former member of boy band JLS has just found out he’s going to be a dad; best take these condoms off the shelf then shall we?

Rally tragedy analogy guys says: “A JLS boy band member getting someone pregnant is like coming out as straight”

It’s still in the news that Jordan is breaking up from her latest fiancé/husband/boyfriend/who gives a fuck!? If I went to buy a car and it had 17 previous owners it’d be safe to assume there was something wrong with the car.

Rally tragedy analogy guy says “splitting up with Jordan is like seeing the picture of a Big Mac on the boards, realising the actual burger is nothing like the picture, then deciding you’re not hungry”

Two friends failed to paddle 3 miles to the Isle of White in a boat made of ice because it melted. I wonder if they wore life jackets made of bricks and expected them not to sink, over to you rally tragedy analogy guy…

Rally tragedy analogy guy says: “thanks Kai, building a boat out of ice and expecting it not to melt is like building a fucking boat out of fucking ice and expecting it not to fucking melt…what a pair of assholes”

Calm down rally tragedy analogy guy, geeez.