Blog: News for Dummies: 26/05/14

News for Dummies: 26/05/14

  • 26th May 14
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Katie Price (Jordan) has caught her husband (random knob #3724) having an affair by subjecting him to a lie detecter test; He got exposed for mistruths about his fidelity before the lie detecter eventually blew up when random knob #3724 said he was with Katie for her mind. Before the explosion the machine also confirmed that Jordan’s face, tits and success were also all a bunch of lies.

Golfer Rory McIlroy won the BMW PGA Championship days after splitting from his fiancΓ©, apparently golf is easier to play when your balls aren’t in someone’s handbag.

22 year old Elliot Rodger went on a killing spree in Santa Barbara unloading 400 bullets and killing 6 people because women didn’t want to sleep with him; the nation is shocked that a 22 year old virgin only has a 1.5% shooting accuracy after all of the hours he must have spent on Call of Duty.

Elliot eventually turned the gun on himself and police are currently searching for the location where he respawned.

I’m reading The Sun for research into shit news stories (it’s a good source of that) and every single article ends with “Turn to page x” it’s like a choose your own adventure book of propaganda and social conditioning. Turn to page 6 for your new opinion or turn to page 9 to be scared into hatred. Men go to the back page and women go to page 3 to find out who you admire.

Police failed to stop an illegal raid yesterday in Sussex; it turned out that arriving at the scene with their sirens on only added to the problem

Bob Geldof is back performing after 6 weeks since dead Peaches made him sick; that was quite the tummy bug

I’ve just turned to page 15 of choose your own propaganda and the Sun have referred to someone as “Star of Benefits street” surely you can’t be a “star” of Benefits street, but merely a “victim” or a “social sacrifice to appease the media gods” but not a Star. Surely a Star is a person of extraordinary talent in a field and not the product of a broken society, singled out on a media vehicle to demonise the working class. At this point a “Star” to me is just a slightly less shit tabloid.

Simon Cowell last night praised the Big-Tweet to find Missing Children for reaching 50’000 retweets; I think celebrating the amount of retweets you got is somewhat losing sight of the goal. The article doesn’t even mention anything about results, just retweets. Wow. Excuse me while I become the star of fucking killing myself…. I honestly think they call it The Sun because staring into it can damage your eyes forever!