Blog: News for Dummies 29/05/14

News for Dummies 29/05/14

  • 29th May 14
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George Michael collapsed yesterday and two ambulances were sent to his North London mansion; why two? That just seems like a pointless waste of resources. I wonder if the paramedics argued over who took him to hospital…
“I got here first…”
“…but this is my patch, didn’t your shift finish 5 minutes ago?”
“Look guys I’m fine, honestly, I’ve just been really run down lately there’s no need to make a fuss”
“Keep out of this George this is none of your business, I’m taking him Sharon, you do this all the time!”
“I DO THIS ALL THE TIME!!?? What about you? I had what’s-her-face-Winehouse in the stretcher when you turned up and commanded authority, she was still fucking conscious at that point”
“Well she’d still be conscious now if you stayed off my patch!!!”

Two of the One Direction gang members have been smoking on a little bit of the drugs, gang leader Harry Styles (aka Don Direction) is furious at the debacle; What’s a 20 year old boy doing going around getting furious at debacles? Who gets mad at their mates smoking weed? Yeah if they didn’t share it with you maybe have a bit of a grump but don’t get on your high horse at their social endeavours you fucking cunt. It’s 2014, weed should be legal, stop adding to the problem, grow up, have a spliff with you mates, sing a song about it, happily ever after…

Nigeria are off the hook for match fixing; in other news the Nigeria goal keeper caught the ball in midair and threw it into his own goal during a match against Scotland last night. (This actually happened) (smooth)

Michael Barrymore is going on the Jeremy Kyle show in a last ditch scream for attention; Muhahahaha Phase one of my cunning plan is in operation, all we need now is to make Pierce Morgan and Katie Hopkins watch this show on Goggle-Box to create a ‘twat-paradox’ opening a wormhole to banish them all back to whence they came. It’ll be the TV equivalent of when the ghostbusters cross their proton-streams to defeat Gozar the Gozerian, sucking all the media vermin into their telly-boxes and sending them back to their hellish realm, leaving us in a TV utopia with our viewing in the hands of David Attenborough, John Snow, Brian Cox and the second coming of Carl Sagan.

Guilt ridden thieves returned 2 lambs that they stole from a farm 3 weeks after the crime, this seems like a fairytale happy ending but look at it from the lambs’ point of view, they were free and now they’re food again, it’s a horror story.

Eating two fewer biscuits a day is the cure to obesity say ever so accurate tabloid scientist; or wow the difference between someone being in good shape and being an 20 stone heart attack time bomb is a couple of custard creams? That is the only difference between those two existences? Are you sure you’re a real scientist? Are you sure it’s not the spoonfuls and spoonfuls of your bullshit we lap up every day?

There is to be a crack down on the increasing amount of ‘999’ hoax calls; authorities say the hoax calls divert resources unnecessarily when they’re already under a lot of strain working out who gets George Michael

By the way, I’m still patting myself on the back so hard for my whaambulance picture, if you don’t share this blog on the Facebook right now I will find you, and I will ask you why! Be warned!